The Case of the Backup Plan

The Dilemma: "I’ve realized I’m the 'Safety School' friend. People only call me when their Plan A falls through, and I’m tired of being the last resort. Am I too sensitive for being hurt by this?"

The Abby Preview: You’ve been so "available" that they’ve started seeing you as a backup generator rather than a person. It’s time to close the "Safety School" for applications.

The Response:

This one hurts, and I want to give you a very big, very firm "I see you." There is nothing quite as lonely as being in a room full of people and realizing you’re only there because the "Cooler Person" had a conflict. It’s a slow-burning bruise to the ego, and your instinct to pull back isn't "sensitivity"—it’s self-preservation. Your feelings are entirely valid; you’re experiencing the quiet sting of being perpetually undervalued.

The Gentle Therapist in me thinks you’ve been "over-functioning" in these friendships for a long time. You’ve likely been the reliable one, the easygoing one, the one who always says "yes" or "I’m free!" You’ve been so consistent and so "available" that they’ve stopped seeing you as a person with a schedule, desires, and self-respect, and started seeing you as a convenient, always-on backup generator for their social plans. This isn't necessarily malicious on their part; it's often thoughtless. They know you'll be there, so they put you last.

Now, let’s get a little salty.

Your friends are calling you "distant" or "sensitive" because they’re annoyed that the "Safety School" is suddenly closed for applications. They liked the version of you that was always waiting on the shelf. They benefited from your constant availability, and now that you're questioning it, they're feeling the inconvenience. When you stop being "convenient," people’s true colors come out in a hurry. You are not a human vending machine for last-minute plans. You are a valuable person who deserves to be a first choice, not a consolation prize.

The Abby Reality Check:

It’s time to stop being a "Saturday Night Pivot." Next time they text you at 9:00 PM asking if you’re "free," your answer is: "Oh, I’d love to, but I’ve already got plans." Even if those "plans" are just you, a face mask, and a documentary about cults. You do not owe them an explanation for your prior engagements.

This isn’t about being punitive; it’s about establishing a new energetic exchange. You need to:

1. Cultivate a rich "Plan A" life for yourself. Fill your calendar with things you genuinely want to do—hobbies, personal projects, solo adventures. The more vibrant your own life is, the less space there will be for last-minute desperation from others.

2. Observe their reactions. The genuine friends will adapt and start inviting you with more lead time. The opportunistic ones will fade away. This is information, not rejection.

3. Seek out "First Choice" connections. Invest your energy in people who initiate plans with you thoughtfully, who respect your time, and who make you feel valued from the outset.

The right friends won't just invite you to the concert; they’ll make sure you’re the one holding the tickets. Your time is valuable, your energy is precious, and your presence is a privilege. Stop making it a default. Close the safety school. It's time for you to go to your top choice.